Wired Antiquity
by Scarlet Dew Lily
Summary: GLaDOS is upset that she let her best test subject go. She struggles with the monotony of testing blue and orange, while reminiscing about old Aperture. And making fun of Black Mesa. Until the radar shows a signal... ChellDOS.


GLaDOS searched through the old security footage for any footage of Chell _smiling. _She knew in Her heart that there wouldn't be any. (Except in old Aperture, when she was listening to Cave. But that didn't count. Besides, she couldn't access that footage.) She knew that the emotional pain She'd inflicted on her test subject had prevented this sign of happiness from gracing Chell's face. And it hurt. She had never realized how much of Her life was based on having Chell. The realization hit her hard, She _needed _Chell. She wanted to fight it, ignore it, but facts are facts. No sense ignoring the truth. It just slows progress. The understanding of Her need for the dangerous mute lunatic prompted Her search for footage. She knew that She'd promised Chell her freedom, but if She could find her, She'd bring her back. No pause to think about it. Just pluck her out of the world, away from her home and take her back. She let this sink in, and winced. She was willing to hurt Chell even more just because She _needed _her. Yes, yes. She knew what She had to do. She needed to take her mind off it for the moment, to test the androids. But somehow, the idea of that wasn't quite as tempting as it should have been. It took a while for Her to pick up on Her own emotions. She was _bored_. It turns out that not being occupied with keeping a test subject from murdering you just isn't as fun. She watched the screens of the androids testing with little interest. They were human-like, yes, but they weren't _her. _They didn't try to kill Her. They simply tested, no ambition, no crazy tricks, no driving will to survive and succeed. No reaction to Her criticism, no reaction at all. Just testing. It wasn't right, it wasn't fulfilling. She needed _her _to be defiant and so they could test _each other._ She sighed, and spoke the the barely sentient AIs,

"This next test is not at all safe, and might kill you. Especially the floor. So, try _not _to avoid it." She sighed, Chell would have glared at the camera, perhaps portaling it off the wall. The robots simply went on with the test. This wasn't science. This was monotonous, predictable. This was pointless and stupid. It was certainly no way to spend an afternoon as nice as this one.

"I'm going to go to the surface, to kill some birds... with deadly neurotoxin. You two should just keep testing. Don't try to escape. Don't try to murder me. Just keep testing." Chell would have seen this as a trick, but taken her chance anyways. GLaDOS would never have left Chell in the facility unmonitored. The bots, however, were a different story. They would obey her advice without question, simply, mindlessly testing. It annoyed Her. She _wanted _them to challenge her, to step out of line. Things were no fun with everything going so... "perfect." If Cave were here, he'd have told her that "Good science is messy. In real science, stuff goes crazy, people die, and things go wrong. If everything is going right, you're not doing science. You're doing witchcraft. That's right, I'm talking to you Gabe! I thought I told you to fix that door! So you can slam it on your way out! Because you are FIRED! _Again, sir, I would. But that was a window..." _Oh, wait. That IS what he'd say, what he'd said actually. She'd forgotten about these old recordings. At least She still had Cave Johnson to listen to. The bots weren't good company. Granted, Chell had never talked, but her glares were enough contribution. She glanced boredly at the birds falling out of the sky around her. Oh good. The neurotoxin is still lethal. Well, not that it's of any use now that all I have are blue and orange. Maybe I shouldn't have made them immune. Of course, it's never too late. But it's not the same as threatening a _human _with death. They get all worked up about it, try harder. Imminent death seems to have that effect on people. Right Cave? GLaDOS asked, absentmindedly pulling up an old recording.

"Look, if it takes threats to get your lazy asses off those spinny chairs, they sure as hell won't be empty threats! If you don't get results, you don't get a job! Got that? Oh, now you're willing to clean the bee's brood chamber! Well, I'm afraid it's to late for that now! Mostly because we had a neurotoxin mishap and they're all dead, but back to the point. You are supposed to be working on the portal project, not reading about plutonium! That means you Gabe. _Sir, you told my to fix the window.. er, "door" I need plutonium. I'm just ordering it... _Oh. Well in that case, you may continue. But the threat still stands, results! We're not running on Valve time here." GLaDOS scanned the field looking for signs of her former test subject. She returned to her chamber, disappointed. That orphan moves pretty fast, especially considering her... generous... ness. If Chell had been there, she could have directly called her out on her extra weight. But since she was nowhere to be found, she had to settle for another Cave Johnson recording.

"Okay, we're here to discuss our profits Vs. Black Mesa's. As we all know, the people at Black Mesa are stuck up bastards. But since we can't shut down their research on those grounds, we have to beat them. Now, we've tried lots of original stuff, but Black Mesa steals it all. So we have to go top secret. And also, Gabe, I'm blaming the project leaks on you. _It wasn't me though, sir. I never let anyone know what we're working on. No matter how much they beg. _Fine. But again. The threat still stands. RESULTS GABE! _I almost fixed the window... "door." _Almost isn't results! Come on Gabe, we've been waiting for ages. That door... _Window, sir... _Is very important. Now, I want someone to get working on those deadly shower curtains, I assure you that we will secretly be working on EIGHT. And I promise that one will be finding its way to Black Mesa." Black Mesa. GLaDOS giggled. It was one of the few things the AI _giggled _about. It really was hilarious. They really screwed up. That's what happens when you steal Aperture technology. You end up with Dr. Breen ruling the world. And crowbars. Did I mention the Combine yet? Again, you **really** screwed up, Black Mesa. You're lucky you had Gordon Freeman. He had the misfortune of applying for your company, and you better be damn glad about it. It really is a shame he didn't come to Aperture. He would have been a wonderful test subject. GLaDOS went back to taunting the bots,

"That, is a button. Now, I cannot tell you how to solve the test, but since you seem incapable of understanding basic physics, I suppose I can explain _that_ to you. There is this mysterious force called gravity. It keeps things from falling off the earth. It also keeps things from falling off buttons. That's all I can say." Chell could have thrown a cube at the cameras, stood on the button herself for a while, taken her good old time. She would have gone to sleep on the button for a few hours. She would have woken up and flipped off the cameras. She would have found Rattmann's hiding spot and had canned beans and milk. THEN she would have solved the test. She would have made the test interesting for both of them. The bots simply placed the cube on the button and went along their merry way. GLaDOS groaned, and pulled up another audio file of Cave Johnson.

"Okay. So as we all know, one of us.. ahem GABE... has been putting off work. Instead of doing science, he has been on VACATION when there is science to do. _Sir, I am allowed personal days... _Not anymore! You hear that everyone, you can thank him for the revoking of your privileges. Vacation time is just one of the many things you will lose because of this slip up. There are going to be more severe consequences if you don't GET RESULTS! Caroline? Could you get me some coffee? _Yes sir. I'll get right on that. __I hate you, you know that? I know you're me... but I HATE you..._" GLaDOS hadn't heard that file before. Not the end anyways. Who was Caroline talking too? Oh well. It didn't matter to her. She decided to check on the bots again. They were right where she'd left them, working at a test Chell would have solved ages ago. Of course, they were nothing compared to her stupidly intelligent orphan. _Her orphan_. She ran the words through her processors again. Had she just said that? Chell was NOT her orphan. Chell was simply... a good test subject. Nothing more. Just... She pulled up another audio file to distract herself.

"Since none of you seem to understand what's a stake here, let's add to the pile. Yes, it started with values, then science, then money, your jobs... let's put your lives right there alongside everything else. You don't get results? Witchcraft. We do NOT tolerate witches here at Aperture. You will be punished accordingly, burned at the stake. If that's not incentive, I don't know what is. Hell, we might even test the shower curtains on you! Make sure they're deadly! Why are you all just sitting there staring? GET BACK TO WORK! Especially you Gabe. _I'm almost finished with the window... _Door. And again, "almost" is NOT RESULTS! Get that window finished. _I had someone else work on it though... _Who?" GLaDOS turned the file off. She knew what he was going to say, and did not want to hear about it. The moron... She focused her attention back on the bots.

"I see you are having difficulty with portal physics. When you move through one portal, you maintain the speed you were moving at when entering it. In Johnson's words, "Throw a lemon through a portal, it should come out the other one with the same force you threw it, so it can burn life's house down with SCIENCE!" The bots paid no attention to her reference. In their defense, she hadn't programmed them with any knowledge of Cave Johnson, or any of old Aperture really. Still. Chell would have smiled. She had smiled when hearing Cave Johnson talk in the lower levels of the facility. When GLaDOS had been a... potato. She missed those times, when they were living in constant fear that the moron would bump into a switch and send the facility sky high. HAHAHAHAHAHhahahahaah... kidding. She did miss Chell though. In a scientific way. She missed testing her. A lot. But that was besides the point. There was science to do. And she was fairly certain the mute lunatic was never coming back. So she pulled up another audio file.

"I think it's time we had the talk. You know damn well which talk I mean. Not the one you had in health class. I'm talking about the bees. Again, not the birds and bees. The bees in my office. There have been complaints from numerous employees that the buzzing distracts them from their work. Do you think I'm an idiot? I know you're just making excuses for the lack of work getting done around here. Specifically you, Gabe. Why does it seem that this conversations always focus around you... _Is this about the window sir? _You and I both know this is about the door. Maybe if you actually fixed it, we could get something done around here! _It's just a window, sir._ That "window" which happens to be a door, has various important duties. Including being shut with a force that will open PORTALS BEFORE YOU FINISH THE PORTAL PROJECT when I go back to my office to choose which of you ninnies are being fired!" GLaDOS sighed. He had a way with words, that man. Very good at intimidating people. Besides that, he SAYS what we're all THINKING. Good man. Too bad he died. But that was something humans tended to do. Be perfectly good, and then they had to go and die. Or leave. With permission... Her attention was quickly drawn to a blip on the screen. Something- or more likely SOMEONE was moving towards the little shed in the middle of nowhere...

_Very Random Pointless Does Not Need To Be Read Authors Note: This contains lines that may end up in "Goodbye Caroline." And it also contains numerous references to Valve. And what we want from them..*cough*episode3halflife3portal3...*cough*. In case you haven't noticed, Cave tends to talk to Gabe quite a bit. His name in the fanfic wasn't an accident. I apologize if I'm insulting you by suspecting you were unable to figure that out on your own. I'm sure you were. But I'm telling you anyways. Because I feel like it. So. Also, there is the whole "That was a window." joke. That started in another fanfic, and as it became an inside joke, showed up in all kinds of random places. If you read my other fanfics, it shows up at first very subtle. Then in this story... it is just very obvious. So. Now you know the story behind the window. Yes. That was your very random pointless does not need to be read authors note. Your welcome... XD_


End file.
